ICK!

Random thoughts from an exhausted mommy...

I think that I have the beginnings of the "baby blues." It is not feeling as severe as it did with Maddie, but I am feeling it nonetheless. I love my kiddos, but boy am I overwhelmed!

I HATE that Joe has to go to work tomorrow. I feel like Mondays are worse now than when I was working. I really live for the weekends. I want to be able to find joy in being home alone with my kids, although, right now, I just kinda dread the long days of constant correction, discipline, whining, crying (Jack and me!), and monotonous routine. Don't get me wrong, I am SO lucky, I feel guilty even complaining, but right now, I am having a hard time keeping that positive perspective.

Maddie's tantrums DRIVE ME NUTS. The whining just grates on my nerves. Then, she is so sweet that it is hard to remember the whining from 5 minutes ago. My patience with her is so slim right now because I am sleep deprived. She is the cutest little thing, but she has SUCH A high-pitched scream...OH BOY. I think that is the cause of my daily headaches.

Jack is a sweet boy, but I feel like he cries ALL THE TIME. We are working on getting him into a routine right now...and it works well for him. I think that he was overtired a LOT last week, leading to hours of crying, however, his sister's abovementioned high pitched scream leads to LONG sessions of trying to get him to sleep. An another note, breastfeeding is HARD...and not much fun. I feel terribly even articulating that in words, but it's true. AND no one ever tells you that.

Then, I hear about a younger mom at my church dying unexpectedly last night...leaving behind a 1 and 1/2 year old. Hearing about this devastates me. It makes me feel SO guilty for giving one thought to my own struggles right now. I grieve for her family...and especially her little boy. It also leads me to dredge up my terrible fear of breast cancer. I can hardly go a day right now without thinking of that awful disease and what it has done to my family...and so many others. I know that my GOD is so much bigger than this puny disease, but it scares me greatly. I think this fear is deepened exponentially since my kids have come along. I fear leaving them behind. I SO want to be a part of everything that they have ahead of them. I remember when my mom was dying and she was crying about never getting to meet her grandkids and I kept telling her not to worry and just to go ahead and go...now I understand that strong desire she had to see my kids...WOW would she adore them. I now "get it." She wanted to be a part of everything that was important to me...I SO long for that, too, for my kids. As difficult as my relationship was with her, I miss her so much right now. I don't know what her involvement would have been with my kids, but I wish she could've met them.

A very good friend of mine moved away today. She joins another VERY good friend of mine who moved away just before Maddie was born. I miss them already. I cannot even think about how much I wish my two friends were here for day-to-day interactions right now. J and I were talking about how nice it would be to just hang out all day with the crazy kids while our husbands work...oh, how I need that right now...and perhaps for the next year. For now, I will just cherish those phone calls and how much they mean to me!

I think that I need to go to bed now. I will be up in a few hours to feed!